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SURVIVING PET LOSS
When you face that huge emptiness inside, it's tempting to just give yourself over to grief. At the same time, a certain amount of survival instinct reminds you that you still need to do something to keep going. But what? Grief makes it hard to think, to plan. What can you do to keep that hole from swallowing you?
1. Eat something. You may not feel hungry, but food is important. Grief burns a lot of energy; you need fuel. If you can't face a full meal, nibble. Eat NOW, whether you want to or not.
2. Cry. Cry as much as you want to, whenever you feel like it.
3. Find something to do. This may seem trite, but focusing on a task really does help. The more you do, the less you dwell...
4. Count your blessings. When you lose a loved one, it's hard to focus on anything positive. Remind yourself of some of the good things that you still have by deliberately reviewing a list of your "blessings" - such as your family, your remaining pets, your friends, your interests.
5. Reflect on things that don't involve your pet. The loss of your pet may seem to touch every aspect of your life, but in reality, it hasn't changed EVERYTHING. Reflect on things that have not changed -- the things that you did and enjoyed without your pet.
6. Cuddle something furry. If you have another pet, give it some extra cuddle time - even though part of your mind is thinking that this isn't the pet you WANT to cuddle. It's still warm, and furry, and may be very confused and concerned right now. If you don't have another pet, consider cuddling a stuffed animal. Spouses are nice, but you need fur. It sounds strange but at least try it.
7. Avoid irrevocable decisions. Don't do anything you can't undo. For example, if you can't stand the sight of your pet's toys, don't throw them away - put them in a box out of sight.
8. Replace negative imagery. The last moments of your pet's life can become a powerful image, whether you witnessed them or not. If you believe that pets go on to an afterlife, for example, try replacing the image of the "last" moment of your pet's life with the "next" moment: The moment it arrives, healthy and whole, on the other side. If you don't believe in an afterlife, concentrate on the special things you did for your pet to make THIS life a blessing for it.
9. Be honest with yourself. You've been wounded, and you hurt. You're not weak, crazy, or overly sentimental to feel this way. You WILL hurt, and it will take time to heal.
10. Make a decision to work through grief. For some people grief has persisted for years:
They are just as upset, just as angry, just as miserable over their loss as they were the day it happened.
Such people tend to be consumed with bitterness, obsessing over their loss - and not only do they suffer, but they also bring suffering to everyone around
them. You can't control whether or not you grieve. But you can decide whether or not to let that grief control YOU.
Lastly, be sad for those who lives will never be touched by such a wonderful creature. They may never know this feeling.
You may not feel like it now, but it is a blessing and you have gained spiritually from it.
Cherish the memories with a warm smile. Smile because you know that pets always feel what you do...make them happy to know you are well.
(I am not sure who originally wrote this but I have given this to many of my
clients who have lost a pet and have been thanked for it afterwards
regularly. Though I did modify it a bit, kudos to the original
author! Dr.C)
Some great books for the grief process
The death of a pet is difficult enough to bear; in some cases, the whereabouts or cause of death of the pet is unknown. The pet may have run away or been stolen, or, the owner may have needed to surrender the pet to a humane shelter. In these situations, there is seldom any 'closure.' The owner does not know when or if the pet has died, or if lost, whether the pet will ever come back. As a result, when to stop searching and when to start the grieving process are unsure. There may also be additional guilt associated with this type of loss.
Doing something positive during this time of sadness may help the grieving process by celebrating the life of the pet. Activities which may help include:
- Planting flowers or a tree in memory of the pet
- Making a charitable donation or volunteering your time at a local shelter
- Holding a funeral or memorial service
- Placing your pet's nametag on your key ring
- Creating a memorial photo album or scrap book
- Framing a photograph
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Do Animals Grieve?
We all know of animals who have stopped eating, playing, or interacting when another pet in the household has died. They are experiencing a loss of their own; plus they often sense the owner's sorrow as well. After a pet dies, we can help the other pets in the household by keeping their routines as unchanged as possible. Increasing their activity through going for walks or playing with toys may be helpful. This will not only benefit your pet, but help you too. If they are acting depressed or are not eating, be careful not to reinforce or reward their behavior. Giving them extra attention or different food when they behave this way may actually cause them to start using those behaviors as ways to obtain more attention or get special treats. |
Should I get another pet?
When or if you should get another pet varies with the individual and the
choice is a personal one. Some people may want to find a new pet almost
immediately. Sometimes, they may have unrealistic expectations of the new pet,
especially if they are getting a young, rambunctious animal after an older,
mature one has died. Others need longer to work through their grief before
they are physically and emotionally ready for another pet. In either case, we
all know you are not replacing your pet, but finding another animal with whom
you can share life. Some people may find it is just not possible for them to
have another pet. You need to do what is right for you.
In general, you should give children some time before getting another pet. Getting a pet too soon may cause the child to feel guilty or disloyal, and they may have difficulty bonding to the new pet. The child may also think that if something happened to them, they would soon be forgotten and a substitute would be found. They need to understand that friendships cannot immediately be replaced.
People who have a pet who has died need to talk to someone. Often, family members and friends are very supportive, but in some instances, they may not understand how important your pet was to you. It is important to find someone who does understand.
After All, He was Only a Pet?
The death of a pet is never an easy time. Whether it is an older animal, who may have been a part of the family longer than most of the furniture and some of the children, or a pet who has been with you for only a few years, the loss can be truly traumatic. And if the end comes through a conscious decision for euthanasia, other emotions become entangled with the basic sense of loss. Once it's over, you may prefer to think that the experience is behind you. Unfortunately, it is not.
There will be a hole in your household and in your life for a while, and for the first part of that "while" the hole may seem huge. There ARE ways to fill the gap. However, the loss itself is not something you can simply ignore, assuming that your world will adjust itself. Instead, you must deal with that something, just as you would deal with the loss of any other good friend. Yes, it is a different kind of relationship, but to behave otherwise is to try and change your attitude in mid-stride. You cannot expect yourself to think of your pet as a friend and then to dismiss those feelings as disposable because THIS friend happened to be an animal. It is NOT silly to miss your pet, and it is NOT overly sentimental to grieve.
Another difference lies in the always complicated idea of "what happens next". Many people, especially older folks, express a very real concern that they won't see their animals in the next life (whatever that may be) because they have been told that animals have no souls. Maybe you, like me, are a little unsure about what exactly " the next life" holds for any of us. However, if having a soul means being able to feel love and trust and gratitude, then aren't some animals better equipped than a lot of humans?
But still, he was pet and not a person, and that makes it more complicated to sort out exactly what you are supposed to do and feel. Although we recognize the individual personalities in pets, that doesn't mean that they are just little people. The relationship you have with your pet is different from any human relationship you may have. We have the responsibility to care for animals and to learn from them. As we domesticated pets, they became dependent upon us for their needs. Part of caring for them, especially in a technologically advanced society, often means deciding when an animal can no longer live a happy life or even a content one.
When an animal is made a pet by a responsible, caring person, he is being given exactly what he needs and wants: his "creature comforts", companionship, and the opportunity to return the favor through loyalty and affection. Dogs, especially, are naturally eager to please the "leader of the pack", and the owner takes on that role. So the dog is never happier than when he knows that he is pleasing that person. When he is too old or too sick to respond in the way HE thinks he should, he can't understand why and feels the anxiety of failure.
Because their natural life-spans are shorter than ours, we usually outlive our pets. However, the life you shared cannot simply be abandoned. Don't deny yourself the thoughts, memories, and feelings that your pet's life deserves. You may decide to fill the hole with another pet. However, you can never replace the special bond you held with the one who is gone.
What do I do with my pet's ashes?
Most pet crematories take every precaution to ensure that the cremains you receive back are from your pet. Amounts, color and consistency will vary as there are differences in the type of equipment and methods available.
Cremains are considered to be the earth part of the spirit. It is what belongs in the physical world. Keeping the cremains is a means of keeping the memory as physical as possible while the spirit is free.
There are indeed many options for what one can do with ashes from a beloved pet:
Spread them in a favorite spot in the yard.
Bury them with a memorial tree. The cremains or ashes must be well diluted with topsoil as ash is very alkaline and has a high salt content. Another solution is to bury the ashes in a cedar urn which is biodegradable and will release the cremains slowly over time. This will also release the minerals slowly as the tree grows so that all of that trees growth will share the same minerals of the ashes. (cedar urn)
Set them free on a bridge over a favorite river or pier at a beach.
Separate small amounts and gift them in keepsakes or jewelry to family members. (keepsakes)
Store them to be buried or re-cremated with the owner.
Hold them for dispersal when you feel ready.
Mix them with cement and make something which will last several hundred years.
Make your own pet urn: Creating Pet Urns
Communal cremation is when multiple pets are simultaneously cremated and their ashes disposed of on private cemetery grounds or taken to a local landfill. Some services offer burial at sea for no additional charge.
A private cremation is when 2, 3, or maybe 4 pets are cremated at the same time, but are physically separated by space or cremation bricks. The pets ashes are then removed from the crematory in reverse order to retain the integrity of the private cremation. The cremains are then generally processed in a commercial blender to attain a fine ash consistency and eliminate visible bone fragments. Private cremations reduce the cost associated with “Individual” cremations described below.
Individual cremation is one pet in one cremation unit at a time. Pure and simple, it is what most pet owners expect. Be sure to ask your provider for what type of service you are receiving. You deserve to know how your pet’s cremation will be performed before the decision is made.
Perhaps after this you deserve a little inspiration. Well here ia a letter we received from a very special customer:
A Special letter from a customer:
Guess Where I Am
In Heaven
I Got My Angels Wings
Dec. 22, 09
Hi,
Boy it sure is awesome here, I will be waiting to see all of you when you arrive. It really is nice but I sure do miss my mommy and all of you.
Thank you for being so kind to my mommy while I was sick. It was hard for the both of us but I am finally free of that pain.
The day that I had to go to the Vets, my mom was so special, she took me to see all the places that she and I use to go to. You know, I had those fancy 4 pillows in the car so that I could see out the window. Mom knew I loved seeing the world. [ By the way, Mom said I sure was a brave boy at the Vets. She held me right until I left for heaven. That was so hard for her but she loves me that much]
One spot where we use to walk she decided to let me go for one last time but I was so weak that I could not do it. But I sure did have fun looking one last time at “our” fun spots. We even drove by the house 2 times and then drove in the field out back, of course you all know how much I loved that area to walk. It was kind of funny, Mom almost got stuck in the snow but we made it out. And yes I did get to see snow for one last time.
I remember when I first moved to this place, I was so sad to leave our other home cuz there were so many people there that loved me and I as well, loved them. I remember Mommy would kiss and hug me every night saying, it would be just as nice here for me. You know what, she was so right. A few weeks after I moved here, I found all of you wonderful friends/family that loved me just as much. And dang, you sure did spoil me with all those yummy treats.
You did not know this but when Mom would take me out to go to the bathroom, I would come in and if I heard the elevator I would look up at Mom, and she would give me the nod, off I went to say hi to you. Or if I heard voices in the community room, again I would look up at Mommy and she would nod, saying it is ok., go say hi to your friends.
I really did love all of you. It was awesome how you treated me, you would tell me how good I was, or you would give me one of your special pats or hugs. You always made me feel so special . I loved all the Christmas cards you sent, how special you were to always have my name on the card too .Florence, that really special card that you gave me with the 5.00 bill to have mom buy me a treat, well, Mommy was going to put that towards my cremation, which would have meant a lot to me because I will always be with mommy when she too is cremated. But you know my sensitive mother, she decided to keep the card and the money together and put it in her bible , this way , she will see it every Sunday when she goes to church. I think that is a great idea, hope you do too.
And how did you like that display out side our door? Mommy did that just for me, she knew it would be my last Christmas and she wanted to have something special in my honor.
the people that lived behind us, I knew they loved me too. They always took that extra special time just to say hi to me. Those things were so important to me and boy, my new friends here are going to have to listen to me brag about all of you.
Remember how we would all sit outside if it was a nice day. You use to say I was the Labonte Apartments official greeter. I remember if someone got out of their car, I would walk up the walk way to greet them and then walk them back to the front door. Dang, that was fun especially because I knew I was making someone smile and you know how I loved doing that.
No one was ever a stranger to me once we met. I was lucky, everyone loved me, so from the time I met those strangers, I was then a forever friend. My mom always said that I had a special way with people, I could melt anyone’s heart. In fact, ask Raylene. J . I was sitting out front with all of you and she got out of her car, I did not know that she had such a terrible fear of animals. Oh my gosh, I remember how she got so scared when I went up to her. But, in time, that all changed, She actually started to let go of that fear, in fact, she even later started to give me bones. I was so happy that I helped her realize that not all dogs are bad. Of course, as Mom says, I was never a dog, I was her 4 legged son.
Raylene, seeing you say hi to me whenever you came to visit your mother, just melted my heart. I wanted you to know that I was a nice boy and never would have hurt you. I always felt sad that you were so scared, I didn’t want you to feel that way cuz I liked you a lot.
My Aunt Georgia arrived her on the same day, 2 months ago. When I got here, she was so happy to see me. It is nice because she loved me a lot and I know I will be taken good care of until my mommy arrives. In fact, that is one thing that she did ask me, to be sure to be waiting for her at the gate when she arrives.
For all of you that I didn’t get to know, well J you did kind of know me a little because I know my mommy use to brag about me to anyone that would listen, lol.
What I wanted to say was that I am sorry we didn’t meet, I know you would have fallen in love with me, I am just that kind of guy J and you would have been my forever friend.
To all of you , thank you for the love, support, hugs, kind words and caring hearts. You made me feel so special, so so loved. Heck, we can’t forget to thank you for those yummy treats too.
I wanted to say good bye to all of you but I was so sick that mommy did not have time to get you altogether. I know you will feel sad to know you will not see me again but remember, we will meet again, someday. Get ready , because I will have plenty of “licks” waiting for you.
I will miss each and everyone of you.
Love, hugs and licks forever and please don’t ever forget me, tuck me in your hearts so at any moment you will always have a memory of me.
Sammy